First I just want to say that I wish this community was busier. There’s still major things missing from R*ddit around here on Lemmy. Namely, actual discussion. In all areas, like even the punk subreddit was great for actual discussion and not just dumping links and shit. And as far as gender identity goes, I’m not sure how different my mindset would be right now if it wasn’t for the non-binary and genderqueer subs on R*ddit being around and just having other people’s stories to read and interact with.
But to the actual post. Not so long ago, I boldly and confidently declared that I’m agender. And I truly felt it at the time. Which honestly has just made it so much more obvious just how many times daily and for how many reasons I wish I was afab. And it can’t be exactly true that I’m no gender if this is how things are.
However, I remain under the non-binary umbrella because I know that I will probably never* take steps to change my physical body or even start asking people to address me in a certain way. Not going to even share these thoughts and feelings with family, or even a therapist. And I haven’t even been in contact with a lot of my friends for years and in this already religious conservative leaning country that I’m in, I have no doubt that a lot have gone down Joe Rogan looking rabbit holes in the years since. I’ve even had one old friend catch up out of the blue, which I was quite happy about at first, who then sent me a Jordan Peterson link and I kinda ghosted that conversation and haven’t spoken to him since. So I’ve told exactly one (1) person in my life, a decades long online friend that I’ve never even met in real life lol.
So based on societal pressures and various other things, not excluding imposter syndrome, I begrudgingly accept my shell despite my inner feelings. I begrudgingly accept being something ‘other’ or ‘in between’ and that I will never be either. And anyone that wants to claim that this is some sort of fad is out of their god damned mind. Because it’s actually kinda shit. The world is full of “men” and “women” labels on arbitrary, cultural and non-biological shit. And being man shaped but also not only pretty much disgusted with the current state of ‘masculinity’ but also yearning to be surrounded by things and people with the ‘women’ label is shit. And I think a double source of guilt and imposter syndrome is being man shaped, feeling this way but also being attracted to women shaped people.
So yeah, it’s all fucked up. After a couple of years of this journey and thinking that I had answers, turns out that I still don’t really know who I am or where I belong. Or if this state of being just dooms me to be alone and seeking connection in random corners of the internet in a binary world. But it’s also all good because actually life has always been this way and I’ve got this far.
I would maybe suggest focusing less on labels, and more on what you actually want out of life substantively? You can associate more with women or things traditionally aligned with femininity if you want to, and regardless of gender identity.
But also, if as your post implies you want to be and for people to see you as more feminine - then I think you should consider taking steps to pursue that? In all likelihood, we only get one life - and it’s too short to spend miserably living a lie longing for something else. There’s no need to begrudgingly degender yourself if that’s not something you actually want to do.
If physical changes are something that you actually want, less the social stigma - you can see about quietly beginning gender affirming care without publicly announcing any change to your identity. It’s also not something that you have to stay the course on if it turns out not to be right for you. You might find that it slots some things into place though.
I think what my answer to the “why not” question really is, is fear. Fear of other people. Not just angry faceless bigots but loved ones too. Also fear of changing my mind. After all, before I started really started addressing this, it was easy to ignore and push these thoughts to the back of my mind before. And this has been a rollercoaster. I’ve already declared myself agender and come back to this again in a couple of months. So the answer is fear. Of a lot of things, myself included.
And honestly money too. I’m not well off and can’t pack everything up and move somewhere new to start again. If I could’ve, there’s a strong chance I would’ve by now and freed myself a little more.
Edit: actually another answer is imposter syndrome, which I mentioned. Feeling like there’s a chance that I’m completely wrong, and on the wrong path. Like, even just discussing small steps I’m taking, let alone feelings as a whole, I feel somehow pretentious in a way. From what I’m seen, having those kinds of doubts isn’t uncommon though.
I understand the fear. It’s hard to live with the knowledge that who you are might mean you’re rejected by even the people you assumed would love you unconditionally.
But on the other hand, what’s the value in being loved for the character you play? Wouldn’t you prefer to know how they feel about who you actually are?
I saw from your other comment that you’re dipping into presenting more like you feel, and that’s great - there’s no rush.
I’m two years into hormones and my life has been so much better for it, despite being reluctant and uncertain at first - only in the past year or so have I really been telling people. Cis people are spectacularly unobservant and you’d probably be able to hide that anything’s changing for a while.