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WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden from serving in combat roles.
The ban, which goes into effect immediately, prohibits male personnel with clearly feminine names like Jamie, Sandy, and Alexis from serving in all artillery, infantry, and armored units. According to a Defense Department memo, the military is less effective as a fighting force when it deploys men named Francis, Sloan, Carol, or Loren in active conflict zones.
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There’s gotta be a Jody joke in there somewhere
We’re looking at you Terry
I ate it. It tasted like… fascism.
You got me. It’s just so plausible at this point, I ate it.
As if joining a men’s only organization - sleep with, shower with, eat every meal with, roll around in the mud with - isn’t the gayest shit ever. Shut it all down and settle your disputes the good old fashion pissing contest way; whoever holds 2L of beer the longest.
It’s not gay, if you say no homo.
Replace Semper Fi with No Homo and you’ve got a deal.
Bruhhhh
At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if they’re getting their policy ideas from The Onion.
It wasn’t until I saw your comment that I realised I ate the onion
It’s a good one, I really thought it happened.
I know, right? If it’s insane, it might actually come from El Trump.
Remember ths time a persident could be impeached for having his c0ck sucked by an intern.
I mean, Trump has been impeached and just like with Clinton, it doesn’t matter.
Sponsored by Lindsey Graham.
What you expect him to go by a different name? The teacher will have to report this to the parents.
Whats hilarious about this is that senior commanders would be more likely to have “girls” names considering names tend to flip back and forth gender-wise. Any young Lindsay you meet today will likely be a girl, meanwhile you have old dudes like Lindsay Graham in the senate
Leslie is another one
Mitch McConnell’s actual first name is Addison.
J.D. Vance’s first name is Jethica
So… if I want my son to be spared from the draft all I have to do is give him a traditionally masculine name like Kelly, Courtney or Ashley?
if I want my son to be spared from the draft
Or Donald Trump.
Brb, changing my name to I can avoid getting drafted
(Kinda wished this was real, that’d be an epic uno-reverse)
Ate the onion.
hate how possible onion articles are nowadays.
Same. It’s just too real.
“what kind of name is Lindsey for a man? Ash! Get this pansy out of here.”
male personnel with feminine names can also cowardly bomb brown children from a safe distance.
Are you the guys on the beach who hate everything?
Sorry Stacy, pack your shit!
always been last name or shithead. 🤷♂️
Seeing a batshit insane headline actually coming from TheOnion is really refreshing
