I have a male friend (we dated in high school, it’s been 20 years since then) who went this way. I remember even as teens, he’d complain that his friends don’t get him. But they “were friends since kindergarten” and sunk cost fallacy prevented him from reaching out to new people.
Today he’s a father and it’s even harder to make friends. I feel for him. He doesn’t talk with the friends from high school anymore, and laments the paths in life they’d chosen since. It just sucks, because I’d been encouraging him to get to know new people since the days we dated, but he didn’t practice then and has no idea what to do now.
I’m very grateful to have 7 buddies that I grew up with and still hang out occasionally. I’ve known 2 for about 50 years and the rest since HS nearly 40 years. I’m having brewskis with one of my BFFs (also my son’s Godfather) after work tonight.
I’m actively working on making a new friend and it’s some work, but I only have 1 really close friend and I’d like more. 3 would be great.
I think for our next date I’ll take him to the graveyard so we can memento mori among the stones.
Socializing is exhausting. I usually have a couple of people besides my girlfriend that I chat with, and it’s more than enough for me.
I understand that socializing is an important aspect of life. I’m certain there’s all sorts of papers detailing the benefits of it, but I do also think it’s important to learn to be comfortable spending time by yourself.
Then after 20 years of friendship you learn their real name
I don’t know how some people actually manage to maintain an actual friendship with more than 3 people, really. Like, where the fuck do you find the time to have 20 close friends?
You know, there are quite a few numbers between 3 and 20. Also you dont have to talk to them every single day. Just meaningful time together. Thats it.
Or at least this worked / works for me.
there are quite a few numbers between 3 and 20
[citation needed]
Large if factual
This is what I’ve observed of my partner and other more social people - they’ll reach out to people they like semi-frequently just to check in, maybe arrange a date if it works, or maybe just trade memes.
Just meaningful time together. Thats it.
Yeah, but when?
What do you mean? When the time is right i guess?
If you mean how often, well that depends. Weekly / bi-weekly / monthly it really just how it goes.
Just because we dont meet up we dont just suddenly become strangers.
It was more of a joke comment about your response. OP says he doesn’t have time to spend with (more) friends and your response is to just spend more time with them.
Although I know that’s not quite what you meant, I’m pointing it out in a deadpan way as to highlight the absurdity.
I wish I would see any of my friends monthly. I haven’t seen my best friend in like 4 months or so.
Weekly meetups with 3+ friends, that’s something you can do before you have a wife, kids and a job.
10 years ago, I had a really large social circle, with a group of ~15 people who met 1-4x per week. That was all fine and easy when the only commitment was university and part-time jobbing. But with a full-time job and kids, all that just disappears.
A week only has 168h. With work, sleep and family, there’s not a lot left.
Well i did not think about that. Im in my mid twenties and i only have a job to worry about, so what i said came from this my perspective.
Wait for it ;) It’s gonna get you like anyone else.
Except if you stay childless and then you are the rando with too much time while everyone else you know just disappears into sleep-deprivation-induced zombie mode.
They probably don’t. I feel like people’s definition of what a friend is can be very loose.
I recognize some people I know as colleagues or acquaintances, but some people may think of them as friends were they in my shoes.
some folk i know just use friend, family, and enemy. colleague, acquaintance, and any other social relationship classification does not exist for them.
There are several people I consider (very) close friends, that don’t live in the same city as me anymore. We message regularly, do some online gaming here and there and visit each other as often as possible. And every time we do it’s just like back when we hung out in uni every day. While we don’t have as much time as back then, the quality of friendship is the same or even grew. I think it’s about consciously making time and the effort for each other, even if it can’t be every other day or week.
Also not having kids makes it much easier, time wise, I guess.
Had this. Stopped because being social with them was a hassle. Finding people you enjoy being with goes a long way.
Don’t ever feel stuck.
How do you get adopted or befriended? I’m too anxious to talk to people and don’t go outside much.
Develop a hobby and interact with others in it
We may be autistic
Initiative, feel the vibes for compatibility, try to find out subtly if he/she has good friends that might be interesting and do the same thing for him/her.
People are awkward, they all feel nervous to a certain degree. Be forgiving with yourself and others, but don’t bite more than you can chew.
Really it’s about saying to hell with privacy and not thinking about intruding in other ppl lives: most of the time they actually like it if it was a cool interaction at least!
If you really are nervous, try starting with saying randomly hi to strangers that aren’t in a hurry maybe add a platitude, ask the time by “accidentally” forgetting your phone, bum a cigarette off the cool guy, comment on the weather for old people. Give a compliment! Enjoy living, and don’t mind if you ever get a bad interaction, sometimes you randomly encounter someone at their lowest point or at their worst because of a personal problem, hangryness, or they just talk rudely by habit.
And if you want to meet specific people with specific interest: where do they hang out? Online? Offline? Then you proceed with a friendly hello or smile.
I’m baffled by some of the responses in this thread. Yes, it’s harder to make friends in one’s 20’s than in the teens, and harder to make friends in one’s 30’s than in one’s 20’s.
But to act like it’s inevitable, or even desirable, to not make new friendships after the age of 20 seems like overstating things.
The people you grow up with and befriend at a young age share those similar roots. That will always be valuable in friendships.
And the people you befriend later in life, through your hobbies, your career, your neighborhood, your mutual relationships also share those commonalities, and that will bring something valuable to those relationships, too. One of the most things I love about meeting, dating, and marrying my wife is that it mingled our two worlds of friends, and a lot of the friends I met through her in my 30’s are now some of my best friends today.
I rely on local friends for things that require geographical closeness. I rely on fellow parents for parenting support (including favors, advice, even jokes/rants). I am close with former and current colleagues, and we talk shop, careers, people we know, and sometimes refer each other to job opportunities or other work.
There is a certain richness that comes from multiple social relationships evolving and developing over time, including repeat acquaintances, superficial friendships, all the way to very close or very intimate friendships. We’re all just walking through life in different stages, and each stage has different needs and opportunities to rely on and provide support to your social network.
Sir/ma’am, this is a Wendy’s…
I’m making lifelong friends in this Wendy’s right now.
I make 3 new friends at every stage of my life, career, and living situation. I also lose those same 3 friends and never speak to them again if any one of those variables changes.
Ok well I followed you with the lost part, but I’m lagging behind on making new ones…
I’ll be your friend. But also I won’t. Call me if you want to hang, and I will make a poor excuse
fair enough! I would make you an excuse as well. Because well I’m bedridden and cannot leave my bed due to disability, hence why I don’t really have close friends like I did before in this part of my life…
God, down to the exact number…
Same.
That’s true, although I lost contact with those friends so now I’m stuck at 0 :c
I’m a friend :3
me too thanks
Yeah my 3 friends all decided to do meth so I quit highschool and got a job.
Good friends are an emotional investment, many friends is networking.
Both are mentally and emotionally taxing
The extroverts feed on us like we’re their cattle
Get this… Many good friends!
Many emotional investments
That’s because it is.
i mean i’m well over 40 and haven’t seen anything to demonstrate that life is better with more than 3 friends
I need 4, but that’s because one of my hobbies is being in a 5 piece band. I need the other 4 people to carry my untalented ass and I can’t be in a band with folks I’m not friends with. They like me because due to my obsession with being on time and prepared we get called back for gigs and booking agents (or sound guys, honestly) recommend us as local openers for large acts because we never let them down.
3? Are you nuts? I have two and see them maybe twice a year in person. Most friends require way too much time and I’m glad my friends are low maintenance and don’t get annoyed when I ghost them for weeks.
I dont like these General statements on boys and girls. I dont think its good to strengthen the stereotype by stating things like that.
Of course i do know a bunch of men, where this is true and then i go “haha so true” and stereotype is reassured. But when i think of it, i know quite a lot of men that have larger circles of friends and also met them much later in der lifes. Also i do know women that only have 3 friends from highschool.
Its just another Version oft the stupid stereotype all women are extroverted and all men are introverted. Its not true. And the stereotype might influence how men and women behave in the end.
I guess whats influencing the number of friends more than Gender is:
- are you more extrovert or introvert
- did you move from your hometown (then the need to make New friends is a bit higher)
- do you have hobbies done in groups, like some sports or choir, etc. Where you constantly meet people
- are your friends extroverts and bring people to your life or are they introverrt and only meet you?
Of course it might be that some of these points are statistically more valid for women or men, but just generalizing doesnt help.
