I once had a (male) boss tell me (female) that to be successful as a leader in our engineering industry as a woman, you have to be a bitch. He was trying to encourage me to be less polite and more confident, but he also made it clear exactly what he thought of those confident women. I think he was trying to be a good mentor but it fucked me up, because I don’t consider myself a bitch, nor do I want to be one. It took me a long time to realize he was wrong, and that I can be a kind person and confident at the same time.
On the flipside, I was once given feedback that I’m “too direct” in emails and it came across as rude. What I realized was, it wasn’t the directness, it was the lack of friendly communication around it. You can say “I know the answer to your problem, do this thing” as long as you add in “Hi so-and-so, thanks for the great question! Here’s my brief reasoning, so I recommend you do this thing.” One is “bossy”, the other is friendly and acknowledges the recipient is an equal asking for advice, instead of an underling who should obey you because you said so.
It must be difficult to know what to make of that kind of feedback. Some people value indirectness, others value directness, and many people value both, at different times. And then there’s the sexist aspect of some responders. Sigh.
I wonder if this is gender or industry or country. I’m in government info tech and we are pretty tolerant of single line emails stating an undecorated answer or solution
Or perhaps we’re not but I don’t hear about it due to being male, tall, and grey haired
That’s exactly why I (a man) do it. Because I’m trying to be polite about you being wrong and before I put your nose in it, I’m giving you a chance to acknowledge your mistake.
It’s diplomacy, but yeah, apparently some men are still extra salty when the messenger is a woman. Go figure.
Same. I have been working where I work much longer than my boss. I know the relevant requirements better most of the time. I don’t throw that in their face. Plus, even if I’m right, they can (in the moment) pull rank and enforce whatever they want. I remain humble in my assertions and in return they almost never pull rank. It’s a good balance. My boss actually depends on me to know the requirements and be able to tell everyone what they are. Then, they just enforce them. Win-win for me.
It is just admitting that you are able to be wrong, because most humans can’t handle someone stating something, being corrected, and then accepting the right answer without an ego based conflict.
It’s like using “just” in emails. Guys don’t do it, but women are seen as bitchy or bossy if they don’t.
“I’m just checking in about the progress on [x]”
Versus
“I’m checking in about the progress on [x].”
The latter feels much more direct. Women will tend to use the former while men will tend to use the latter. Because for guys it conveys authority; I’m checking in on this, you should have an update. While for women they need to downplay their authority; I’m looking for an update, but don’t mind me. Because if women stop using “just” they’re suddenly seen as demanding, bossy, too authoritative, etc…
I feel like this is something that women have to do a lot (not that men don’t) to avoid being thought of as overly aggressive. I hate it.
I once had a (male) boss tell me (female) that to be successful as a leader in our engineering industry as a woman, you have to be a bitch. He was trying to encourage me to be less polite and more confident, but he also made it clear exactly what he thought of those confident women. I think he was trying to be a good mentor but it fucked me up, because I don’t consider myself a bitch, nor do I want to be one. It took me a long time to realize he was wrong, and that I can be a kind person and confident at the same time.
On the flipside, I was once given feedback that I’m “too direct” in emails and it came across as rude. What I realized was, it wasn’t the directness, it was the lack of friendly communication around it. You can say “I know the answer to your problem, do this thing” as long as you add in “Hi so-and-so, thanks for the great question! Here’s my brief reasoning, so I recommend you do this thing.” One is “bossy”, the other is friendly and acknowledges the recipient is an equal asking for advice, instead of an underling who should obey you because you said so.
If it makes you feel better I wouldn’t be remotely put off by a response like that
It must be difficult to know what to make of that kind of feedback. Some people value indirectness, others value directness, and many people value both, at different times. And then there’s the sexist aspect of some responders. Sigh.
I wonder if this is gender or industry or country. I’m in government info tech and we are pretty tolerant of single line emails stating an undecorated answer or solution
Or perhaps we’re not but I don’t hear about it due to being male, tall, and grey haired
That’s exactly why I (a man) do it. Because I’m trying to be polite about you being wrong and before I put your nose in it, I’m giving you a chance to acknowledge your mistake.
It’s diplomacy, but yeah, apparently some men are still extra salty when the messenger is a woman. Go figure.
Same. I have been working where I work much longer than my boss. I know the relevant requirements better most of the time. I don’t throw that in their face. Plus, even if I’m right, they can (in the moment) pull rank and enforce whatever they want. I remain humble in my assertions and in return they almost never pull rank. It’s a good balance. My boss actually depends on me to know the requirements and be able to tell everyone what they are. Then, they just enforce them. Win-win for me.
It is just admitting that you are able to be wrong, because most humans can’t handle someone stating something, being corrected, and then accepting the right answer without an ego based conflict.
It’s like using “just” in emails. Guys don’t do it, but women are seen as bitchy or bossy if they don’t.
Versus
The latter feels much more direct. Women will tend to use the former while men will tend to use the latter. Because for guys it conveys authority; I’m checking in on this, you should have an update. While for women they need to downplay their authority; I’m looking for an update, but don’t mind me. Because if women stop using “just” they’re suddenly seen as demanding, bossy, too authoritative, etc…