I grew up in a rough household. We had holes punched into the walls, doors torn off the frames, my siblings and I saw regular abuse, and as a kid I constantly felt like I had to do things to keep the family held together.
I felt like I was treated by my parents as a servant. They constantly threw away anything I remotely liked, and continued stacking chores on me, especially those that weren’t my own mess. They gave me the boot shortly before graduation, and long story short, I finally got a place for myself after years of effort.
I just can’t shake this feeling though that things are painfully unfair. Like you escape hell after all these years, and the first thing expected from you is to find a job. I get it, you need to work to make money and pay the rent and bills but… why me? Why after all this time of putting up with the crap you have instead of being a kid are you just expected to step in line like everyone else when you never got that opportunity to find who you are and simply enjoy life for what it is.
I don’t know, is this lazy? It’s not that I don’t want to work, but why can’t I be a kid? Why can’t I have some time to reclaim what all was taken from me and have some time to enjoy myself rather than grasp at random short memories I had before I was 5? Everyone else got it, why not me?
I don’t know, am I just rambling about nothing?
I didn’t enjoy being a kid at all, but being an adult I do like, don’t mind working because they pay me.
“Everyone else got it” is a stretch.
It does sound like you are carrying a lot of trauma, I don’t want to minimize that, but if you are able bodied, can see and hear and move and think, you are ahead of a lot of people. If you live in a developed nation, you are ahead of a lot of people. I don’t think even a majority of kids get the idealized childhood you think they do.
If you have no kids or obligations - what I did was get a lot of roommates to get living cost low and yeah, did just work a minimal job and hang out for a few years before sort of getting more serious about work. Never did the career ladder thing but did get a good job and I can say with absolute honesty - it got better.
Being the bottom rung is nice because nothing is my responsibility at work., except my own job.
Jobs are just for money. Don’t worry about the “contribution to society” propaganda. They are using you.
Its okay to feel like you don’t want to work, that’s fine. The oligarchs around the world baredy do any work and exploit the average wave-slave to fullfill their luxurious life. Don’t feel guilty for feeling that way. However, do realize that, while this capitalistic machine runs, you kinda have to perform “work” to obtain resources for survival (aka: “money”). It’s not fair, it’s the cards we get dealt with.
The real “contribution” would be to tear down the system of oppression and advance human rights, not feeding an arbitrary desire of the oligarchs to grow their assets. That is not contribution, that is being a willing wage-slave.
Life is not fair, its up to the people to make it fair, by any means necessary.
“A Riot is the Language of the Unheard” -Martin Luther King Jr.
“When peaceful revolution becomes impossible, violent revolution become inevitable” - US President John F. Kennedy
So you either resist, or you comply and get a job. It is what it is.
Committing a “crime” like shoplifting is a way of resistance, but it all depends on what your moral compass allows. Don’t kid yourself, the only reason why people don’t just rob the corporate chains is the fear of consequences (from the legal system).
So, if you are willing to take your chances and resist, go ahead. I’m not advocating crime, just saying that it is an option.
But even a life of crime is still technically a “job”, abeit an unlawful one.
You can’t really do nothing and survive. Either legal or illegal methods, you gotta pick one way to acquire resources.
Sorry if this is incoherent, I’m struggling with similar issues as you. Good luck.
Edit: TLDR: Just do the minimum possible to survive, don’t overwork yourself.
Nobody is judging you anymore. You’re free to live how you want to. Most people struggle to find a balance between working and life. So you’re not alone there.
I met this traveling nurse who spends fall, winter and spring working, and then spends summer traveling and hiking in the mountains. I met a teacher who does the same. There are many seasonal workers who put in a lot of work in a burst and then take time to themselves - firefighters, wine grape harvest, ski lift/resort.
Keep an open mind, and live simply. Keep few possessions which add a lot of value to your life. Think of what you want to do, then figure out how to get there. At least then if you are working a boring job, it is moving you toward your own goal.
Even people who had great childhoods often spend “the other 8 hours” trying to be kids again.
You either gotta do it like the rest of us and find time for enjoyment between work and errand, or find a way to make money off your “adult childhood”. Neither is easy, but you’ve been through a lot, so you’re obviously capable of doing difficult things.
It might help if you schedule time for it. That way, you can say, “On Tuesday, I’m going to do these things I missed out on as a kid from 7 to 9pm”. And then you play. Or whatever.
You need this, and everyone needs it, so don’t feel bad about scheduling it. You’re helping yourself heal.
People who say that they like working or want to work more are either lying to look more productive or crazy workaholics (please, get help if you fall in that category).
Nobody wants to work, but most people have to, so try making the most out of your free time after work and don’t let your job become your life.
You’re not lazy, you just value your free time and are trying to process a difficult trauma. That’s not laziness so don’t be too hard on yourself about it :>
I enjoy work to the extent that one can enjoy something they’re forced to do. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Would I choose to do a million other things with my time if I could? Sure. But there’s nothing wrong with liking something even if it’s not your preference.
Ok, it sounds like you haven’t had the opportunity to process your childhood trauma, and yes, based on what you wrote it is a trauma.
I recommend going to therapy to help you process and sort out your thoughts.
You were robbed, robbed of your childhood, sadly, you can’t change that, but you can change it so that you don’t get robbed off of your adulthood as well.
I understand your thinking. OTOH, if you don’t carry your own weight, you make someone else do it for you, and put them through the same hell you’ve been trying to escape. That’s not fair, either.
If I were you, I would try to take some time off, travel the world on the cheap, and find my feet, maybe even make peace with myself.
Good luck!
Who said life is fair? Like that place you finally obtained after years of searching? Want to keep it? Probably need money to pay for it. Being bitter about it won’t change that fact so you need to figure out how to accept it and move on to improving your quality of life. Get an education/learn a trade, get a hobby or 2, make friends along the way and get some therapy from a professional to work on your trauma.
Choosing to be miserable instead of facing reality and working with it will only make things worse for you. Your misery will fester and grow. People will sense it and either avoid you or try to take advantage of it. Your past will dictate your future. I don’t think you want that so good luck.
I get your frustration with this kind of attitude. I also felt like a reality check was warranted. However, when people are evading or grieving about something, even if being childish, in my experience it’s usually better to validate their feelings first and then compassionately convey the harsh realities that they must face for their own sake and perhaps that of others.
Slapping people with the harsh truths they have trouble dealing with can do wonders for our frustration, but i think it’s not the best approach for those who need some guidance.
An extreme version of this would be the father that yells at his child and tells him he will never amount to anything with this attitude, in frustration, as a response to the kid’s depression. I was this kid.
Conflict tends to create resistance, you know? He was right too, but not a great way to convey his message.
I try to go with the following algorithm for this kind of situation: remind self of importance of compassion -> validate feelings -> convey perspective -> advise
Just my 2 cents. Hope you have a good week.
edit: some clarifications.
There’s no frustration in my comment. Why would I even be frustrated? I’m speaking plainly about reality. Taking offense to that is a luxury OP doesn’t have, and the faster they realize this the better their outcome will be. In my experience working with people in OP’s position, trying to soften the message gets interpreted as platitudes, insecurity, and untrustworthyness which only gives them reasons to doubt or blow off the information. No bueno.
Well, I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. You just didn’t offer any acknowledgement of the difficulties OP faced, which didn’t sound like a picnic. People tend to have trouble finding empathy when they’re frustrated, stressed or in any kind of distress really. This and some of the wording in your final paragraph is what gave me that impression.
But yeah, I don’t know what’s best or what you were feeling when you wrote it. You may have a better idea than I do for all I know and you’re free to disregard my comment.
I’m not the advice police or anything. Just someone who thinks compassion helps communities grow healthier and was chipping in.
Either way, have a good week.
Either way, have a good week.
and you as well.
Spot on. We all have our own demons. It’s up to us to overcome them and make a life for ourselves. Life is not fair, some get it better, so e have it worse, but it’s for each of us to conquer ourselves
Life is learning that no one looks out for you, no one is going to swoop in and make it easy. Nobody wants to go to work, but we all do anyway. I’d love to take a year off, but then I’d probably go homeless, so I don’t. I can wish it all I want, but it isn’t going to happen.
So, I could be resentful that others may have it easier, or I can enjoy my days off how I want and put in my time as I go. C’est la vie.
You can enjoy yourself at any age. What you might be missing is the feeling of being fully cared for and therefore carefree.
I’ve never found a way to replicate that as an adult. If you find it, let me know
But when we tried to get grandma into such a state of being taken care for, it was suddenly considered abuse (by her definition).
Most people don’t want to work.
No, it’s not wrong. But you’re not allowed to take truly replenishing time off in this capitalist system. It’s not just unfair, it’s unsustainable and it’s on the way to collapsing. Hopefully we can create a better system in the rubble. Until then, don’t let it break you.
You got a rough start mate and I’m really sorry you didn’t get the loving childhood you deserved. You should never have suffered this, and you’re starting on the back foot but held to the standards everyone else is. It’s unfair, and it’s ok to feel that.
I never got a childhood either, so I claim it now. Things like cuddly toys, fun snacks give it to me now. I also get parented in [email protected] and in other ways, that helps.
Pack up and/or get rid of all your stuff and go travel the world. Go discover new places, new people, new cultures. Learn new languages, new skills, new customs. That’s probably the closest experience to being a child again as an adult.
If you can get by without a job, go for it.
Maybe you might want to try out a different perspective. Because weirdly, being an adult can give you the freedom of being more childlike.
Think of it this way…as a child, no matter what kind of home life you had, abusive or not, you had to go to school for much of the day. As an adult, the same thing applies. Except now you’ll be at work instead of school. So realistically, that part is actually the same if that makes sense. The time each takes out of your day is roughly equivocal.
Ok. So then where does that take us? The time spent during work or school is similar. So now the real differences are going to come outside of work/school.
As a kid, what happened outside of school? Your life was hell. You didn’t get to play and do kid things the way a normal kid does.
Aa an adult, what happens outside of work? Believe it or not, you can do whatever the fuck you want.
That’s right.
Want ice cream for dinner? Fuck it, you’re an an adult and can do what you want. Want to buy some toys and play with them? Fuck it, you’re an adult and can do what you want. Want to climb a tree? Fuck it, you’re an adult and can do what you want.
Use the now to live the childhood you didn’t have. Difference is instead of spending your non play time at school, you’ll just be at work instead, earning your own money to do whatever the fuck you want. :)
Best of luck.
The purpose of school is to get you used to going to a grey building with people you hate every day
The downside is there is no summer/winter break. I’m at the point that I’m severely burnt out; i have had exactly 1 vacation in the 10 years since i got out of school, and it was a little over a week long several years ago.
My paid time off sits unused because it pays out if i quit or lose my job, and i will need that cash. I desperately could use a solid month off without being penalized for “existing while not outputting labor”, and it most likely just isn’t going to happen.
Something to think about, though of course do whatever makes the most sense for your circumstances: what’s better - maintaining your current pace of work, without meaningful breaks, in a way that only further pushes you into burnout and risks impacting job performance to the point you could be let go for cause. Or, using your PTO, which is part of your compensation package, to take breaks and at least try to get some downtime to mitigate burnout, which generally has a positive impact on job performance and with that reduces the probability of being let go with cause?
Not going to lie and say you couldn’t get blindsided and screwed either way, but with very few exceptions I always think not taking your PTO is a mistake.
Will acknowledge I don’t know your circumstances and don’t mean any offense. If what you’re doing makes sense from a long-term survival perspective, then do what makes sense.
