Aunt: I’m going to Walmart, do you need anything?
Me: no thanks, I’m going there later to do some shopping myself
Aunt: But we could combine trips! It’s wasteful to both drive there on the same day! The responsible thing to do—
Me: ok, I give up. Please get me cat litter and cat snacks.
Aunt: Ok!!! :)) Which ones? And what isle? What color is the package—
Me: exasperated Are you serious? I caved and gave you what you wanted. Now you’re asking for more information? I told you I wanted to do my own shopping, and you fought me on it. I’m making a peace offering by giving you two items to buy for me, and you’re saying I need to go find the names and package colors and isle numbers? Please just be satisfied with what I gave you.
The thing that she wants is to feel good about buying me something. But I don’t want that. That’s the disagreement.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here: she can’t buy the right item if I don’t tell her what it is. But I clearly don’t care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her. I’m giving her something she wanted, something I wanted for myself, and she’s demanding more.
You should have just said you didn’t care about the details. It’s Christmas and you are being a dick. “I give up” and the rant just makes it seem like pure snark. You should learn to communicate without being mean about it.
Doing two separate trips is dumb and when she offered to just do it for you, you were an ass about it. Judging by your other comments, I don’t think you are looking for real insight here though.
Why “should” I have offered more detail, when I didn’t care about the details? I was already caving and giving her something she wanted, something that directly conflicted with what I wanted. And I did it politely. I didn’t “rant” until she asked for something more, after I already conceded. This isn’t a gotcha. I’m asking for your input here. Why am I a jerk for not giving more, when I already caved?
Stating that you don’t care about the details is all you had to do. She asked you a completely logical followup question. She was trying to do you a favor. Yes, you are the jerk here.
Why do I “have” to give that much info? Why doesn’t she “have” to understand from context that those details aren’t important? It seems like you’re putting the social responsibility of her understanding on me and I’m confused as to why.
Also, and not to be rude, I wasn’t asking you for details, I was asking Grimy. Sorry. Their answer is important to me.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “why do I have to give that much info?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer.
Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
I literally could not care less. The fact that you’re still thinking about this says more about you than it does about me, I think.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here
No, I just think you should probably search for the underlying issue, cause the cat litter ain’t it.
My guess would be undiagnosed autism, but an internet diagnosis is always bullshit anyway.Yes you are. Not caring about those details? You don’t deserve your cat.
I never said I was going to feed the item to my cat. I said I was giving my aunt an item so she would be satisfied. Does that make sense?
What an absolutely weird thing to be lying about.
I think most of us would just be honest with our aunt about what we need. Or just travel together.
I’m not lying and won’t fall for your bait; you’re trying to put me on the defensive and get me to offer more context by insulting me. Pound sand.
So your plan for satisfying your aunt’s presumed intent to reduce waste is to create more waste? That’s still in the “jerk” zone. Could even be considered petty.
I don’t get to act on presumed intent, I get to act on present behavior. We’d all be a mess if we were obligated to guess what everyone else wanted. And the behavior was, “I want to buy something for you” --> my agreement --> “that’s not enough for me, give me more”. Notice that waste never came into the discussion, even after the conversation ended with me cancelling the purchase of the products, which you could have intuited meant there would be no waste
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered me.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer me means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Why not followup with - ‘it doesn’t matter the color brand flavor or type of litter, and the pet cat isle, thanks you for grabbing these items for me’.
I don’t see why you’d get upset with a logical follow-up clarification question
There is more backstory I recon. Also poster is likely on the spectrum.
“reckon” not “recon”. Your casual misuse of language suggests you’re not qualified to diagnose anyone’s mental health, but I’m not interested in anything you’d be offering anyway. Have a day. 🫱
It’s “aisle,” not “isle,” by the way.
Please go to therapy.
I didn’t follow up because I was already pushed past my limit. My aunt and I disagreed because we both wanted a thing, and only one of us could have it. I caved and gave it to her, and she asked for more.
I got upset with a logical follow-up clarification question for the reason in my original post (lol): “I clearly don’t care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her.”
Then you should be saying that to your aunt, instead of losing your patience. People aren’t MIND readers. It is as easy as “I will use any brands you buy.”
If you get this irate over normal life (consistantly), then you should talk to a professional.
Edit: asks if I’m the asshole? Gets irate when people say yes. :). If the issue is your aunt being overbearing check out the DEARMAN principle. It will help you with relations.
I should? What else should I be doing in this relationship? Lol. You keep saying I should get help, but I think you’re got a weird idea about what help is. Seems like your idea of “help” is minimizing other people’s pain and ignoring context when it’s convenient. I’ll pass, thanks. I’m going to ban you from my instance so you won’t be able to respond like this any further, it’s hurtful and I deserve better.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “I should? What else should I be doing in this relationship?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Your last comment to me a month ago was that you blocked me on your instance.
LOL now you want a reply?
As you can see by all your downvotes, in every thread here, your opinion does not match the general population ~ to whom you posed your original question. A rational person would deduce that they themselves may be in the wrong if their opinion is not so widely shared.
As the other responder clearly stated you are only looking for validation when your feelings were troubling you, you don’t actually want advice on how to interact better. So time to move on from this topic.
Yes
Why? What part of my behavior was jerky?
The parts that made you go “I should ask the internet about this”.
Are you the same person as Crackhappy? I was asking them for details about their answer. I’m not sure if your instance allows multiboxing but if not you might consider logging in with the correct account before posting.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “Are you the same person as Crackhappy?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Again, are you high? Mentally unstable? Have you never had anybody just walk away from you because you’re an annoying fuck? You’re an annoying fuck.
NO, I’m not the same person, but there’s no point in telling some moron like you that because when you’re done reading what I have typed, your little fantasy narrative is going to take over and you will interpret it however the fuck you want because you’re a wackjob. So enjoy that lunacy, because I don’t give a fuck what you think about who I am or what I post. Get a fucking life.
Yep
Just say “I haven’t made my whole shopping list yet, so I’ll just go later when I’m prepared”
Why say yes? Because I didn’t say what you would have said?
The reason I didn’t say that was because she argued with me about both making separate trips. That’s the disagreement. She was not satisfied with the idea of me “going later when I’m prepared” and fought me on it.
Yup
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “why do you think so?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
Why do you think so?
I don’t know all about your relationship. Looking at this situation in a vacuum, I think it was kind of her to try to be sure she can buy the right items for you. You didn’t match that kindness. You could have, in a more neutral manner, told her that you don’t need anything specific and that anything from the section will do.
I would disagree by saying that giving her what she wanted, even though I wanted the opposite, was kind. But thanks for your response.
You to have a skewed outlook or some bias. A person offering to save you a trip is a kindness, you seeing as “giving her what SHE wanted” is a very odd take. If all your relations with people are like this, then common factor theory points to you being the issue. Professional help can improve all those situations you may be dealing with.
All of my relationships are not like this – that’s why I’ve only ever posted about this one relationship. Where did you get that from? If reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit, maybe you could reach out to your educational facility for a refund, assuming you paid for it.
It’s been a month and you still haven’t answered my question: “Where did you get that from?”.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer my question means your position cannot withstand scrutiny. I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here
From posting that and fighting against everyone who disagreed with you here it seems like you already knew you messed up and are just posting here seeking for validation.
As much as you and I hate it social interaction isn’t purely logical or transectional. It’s not like a videogame where if you do this then the other character should do that. It’s messy and there are many unspoken rules and it can change from person to person. If you truly want to learn how to be more so sociable and truly reflect if you’d been an asshole then, take some advice from the comments. Learn to say no more gently, learn to see and anticipate what others need, etc.
it seems like you already knew you messed up
I’m sorry but this is wrong, despite what it seemed like. I’m trying to get some outside perspective; that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to accept hurtful speculation about my relationship. If someone offers me a glass of beer with piss in it, I’m not required to extend gratitude. If you sense me “fighting against everyone who disagreed with me” then you can keep your beer. Scroll down friend, I’ve gotten what I needed from people with better emotional regulation than you. Some of the folks that I disagreed with in this post have offered insight for which I’ve responded appropriately. This isn’t about you, stop being a dick.
I understand why you are upset, however, you should have just said
“Because I prefer to shop alone, I don’t need anything, thank you”
What people don’t get from the prompt is that your aunt is overbearing and constantly finds a way to “help” you but it’s really just a way for the person to insert themselves into your life to feel more important/relevant because they can’t get in another way or they can’t relate to you or there is some past friction. They are the type of people that ask if you are hungry and won’t accept ‘no’ until you give them the answer they want or until you blow up on them, and you’re the asshole somehow.
Thank you so much. People are so hurtful here. I appreciate the response, and I agree with you: “I’m helping” is an excuse that can be used to justify bad behavior, such as privacy violations (figuring out what someone else needs), forced compliance (give me something to make me happy or I’ll argue at you) or short-term validation. It’s a convenient flag to throw when someone gets hurt and you don’t want to feel bad about it. I’m so tired.
Very much so
Goodness! That’s a lot! Why do you think it’s so severe?
Because someone who seems to care about you is trying to help and you wish only to belittle them and their good nature. Pure jerk vibes.
“I want x from you”
“No, I don’t want to give you x”
“Argument”
The specifics of x (in this case, buying something for someone else) aren’t relevant. Saying that the person who demands x is caring and the person who wants to keep it is belittling their good nature doesn’t make any sense and I doubt I’ll ever understand your quality of thinking but thanks for trying, I guess. 🫱
It’s been a month and you still haven’t responded to my point.
Your account has been active since then so it’s safe to assume you’ve chosen not to answer. Your refusal to answer me means your position cannot withstand scrutiny.
I’m sorry but your credibility is destroyed and there’s nothing valuable here to salvage so I’m going to have to ban you from my instance.
It’s been a rough month dude. Ever since your post, I realised I needed to change my perspective and I’ve been happier ever since!
Now every time someone wants to help me, I yell at them and call them a selfish piece of shit. It’s awesome! Also, I joined my local council to make sure that all the local NGOs who enjoy helping others don’t receive any further funding because, just yuck! I tore up the local schools because there was a teacher there who once thought she was being nice by trying to make kid’s lives better, even though the kids didn’t want her help.
It was a lot of hard work to achieve this all within a month, but thank you for showing me the light and how to be a giant turd. . . . . . . . .
Also, I did reply to you, you absolute turtle.
In such a situation, just lie.
“Need anything from the store?”
“No” (private subtext, I just want to do my own shopping and have some time out of the house)
Later… Once they are home:
“See you in a bit, I need to got the store. Silly me didn’t think of a few things I needed when you asked earlier. Bye”
I wish I had done this instead. It feels so shady, but I think it’s the least harmful way of avoiding these types of conflicts. Ugh. Thanks. I’ll consider it for the next time.
Very much yes. It sounds like you’re going to find something, anything to lash out at her about. If she came home with the wrong ones it would be that.
Edit: but also, she should respect your wishes if you want to do your own shopping
Thanks for the edit. I’m validated to know that a double-read was necessary to fully understand my position.
IMO it’s nice she asked, but she should be able to take no for an answer. Insisting is kind of weird tbh. If you have your own means of getting there and not using her car/gas for example then she should drop it after the no.
Your feelings are valid!
oh my god thanks.
