My fiancée does not know how to order off a menu. Actually she does, she doesn’t care to order from a menu like most people do.
Going out to eat with her is pretty much an hour long ordeal of me gritting my teeth while she racks up a bill 3x mine, all while trying nicely to steer her to just one item. She’ll open the menu, get overwhelmed with options, and end up ordering a la carte from places that do not work that way, asking for endless substitutions and upcharges. As an example, at a restaraunt, she might not be able to decide between a burger or chicken tenders, so she’ll ask for “a half order” of both of them, then she likes the sound of one specific dipping sauce that comes with another entree so she’ll ask for a cup of that, etc. Etc. I’ll say something before we go in, she’ll promise me she’ll just get a water, and then get a water - and a margarita. It’s draining. At this point, we go out maybe once pr twice a year unless something forces us out more than that.
The scenario that prompted this rant was that tonight was one of those times. Our bill was $82.10. My entree plus water was $10.99.
Start splitting the bill so you each only pay for what you’re eating yourselves. Jesus, man, the pussy can’t be THAT good.
I’ll second this. While I’ve certainly never been in this situation, it’s a common strategy with friends. Actually I pushed this strategy when I started earning more, started loosening up and splurging more, and didn’t want to burden my friends
… As an addendum to a comment I made somewhere else on this:
Abso-fucking-loutely do not show her this post to prove a point! You won’t be able to explain the context no matter how hard you try.
But, if you are looking to end the relationship with a quickness by all means, YOLO this shit. Get some video if you can anonymize it somehow.
We are just rando internet idiots. Don’t be taking advice from us, if that was the intention. We are just here for the validation of your bias and some magic internet points.
Y’all should just go to a buffet or all you can eat style thing. Maybe hotpot or something
or a sushi train, tapas
I once had invited a similar character into my life… a spoiled bitch that thought she’s the center of the universe. In reality she would hate OP for suggesting something like a buffet, to cover up she wouldn’t know how to behave. And it has to be expensive… she defines his “love” on the amount he spends on her.
I hope to fuck this isn’t OPs girl.
Have you tried communicating with her?
Yes, works in pretty much every case, but he’s likely trying to gauge his frustration with others to see if it’s a big enough deal to bring up to her I’d wager.
I am going to parrot what others are asking - what part of this is the biggest problem? If it’s the expense, show her the bill. Tell her it bothers you that you don’t treat the restaurant experience the same. Ask about why she doesn’t like the canned options.
But you know - I don’t think she is capital W Wrong in her approach, especially if you only go out to eat rarely. If she wants a variety, could you just order a bunch of appetizers for the table and share? We usually order for the table in expensive places, not for ourselves, we go one item at a time and share it, and that’s one of the best things about the fancier restaurants. Or go to an Ethiopian place, they serve everything on one big injera for both of you.
Communication is the issue here I think - does she see it as “you are taking her out and want her to go indulge herself and enjoy” because going out to eat is entertainment and you see it as “I want to go out to eat because it’s convenient and you are taking away the one benefit of going out to eat”. And you are going to have to manage those competing desires in some way. I don’t think it needs to be crazy expensive if that’s what’s bothering you.
How do you cook and eat at home? I really like to cook and can make food as good as we get when we go out, but if I want convenience my husband gets us takeout from somewhere. A restaurant is more for the experience not just the food.
Where are you going where an entree and water costs 10.99?
Buffet time
Who are you, so wise in the ways of ordering?
This really is the way.
Does she still do this when she’s the one paying the bill?
The important question
Make her pay for her shit.
At the end of the day here’s the truth of the matter. This will not change, and it will bother you for the rest of your time together. If this is actually annoying enough for you to post this here, it will only get worse over time. You’re not gonna get used to it, you will likely grow to resent her for it. People don’t change, not really. Decide now, this is a deal breaker or not. There’s no way this behaviour doesn’t bleed into other shit in your lives. Changing course this far into the game is hard, but I suspect that you already know what you wanted to hear from everyone the moment you posted this. Listen to your gut.
The honest advice here nobody likes to hear, but is the reality.
Occasionally people like this can change, but it takes some pretty serious life events to cause a behavioral change like that to stick. Something like a divorce, death in the family, personal near death experience, becoming destitute, watching something horrible happen in front of you, etc.
Point being, it’s unlikely to change anytime soon.
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I feel like this is a discussion you need to actually have with her
You could say this to anyone posting in /c/offmychest
this community is here to kinda vent and figure out what’s up before you take that step.
It’s a really good response for most of these problems, but yeah, the point is to get it out of your system and perhaps gain some perspective.
Yeah but communication is the solution to any relationship type problem - usually the problem is people just don’t know what to communicate or how to communicate it.
I think you’re right, it’s foundational. I also think sometimes you gotta work out what you’re trying to communicate first, and talking about it with somebody else is a great way to go about it.
I guess I feel the implied end goal is to discuss it with the person in real life, but it’s not a bad thing to be explicit about it, too.
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Have you tried going for something with a tapas format where it’s expected to get lots of different small dishes?
Ooh, or dim sum! Love me some dim sum.
What’s the root concern? Cost, imbalance, or inconvenience?
- If it’s cost, she can pay for herself.
- If it’s imbalance, don’t go 50/50. She can pay for whatever she wants.
- If it’s inconvenience (takes too long to order and get food), you can order and ask for your food to be brought out when ready. Or just wait, chill out, and enjoy some time together.
You should never worry about inconvenience to the restaurant or staff. Substituting is normal. If they can’t do it, they’ll tell you. Otherwise they’ll happily provide the food and take the money. That’s the social contract.
From your description, it looks like the main issue is #1 and #2. If so, a frank conversation should fix it. It may solve the problem, or uncover larger issues and expectations you should probably handle before getting married.
Maybe it would help if you had a heart-to-heart about why this is bothering you and (together) make a plan to tackle this. From your description, it seems like the occasional margarita is not really the issue but it’s the inconvenience to the staff, the embarrassment to you, and the costs that come with the dishes she orders. It might help to look at the menu online beforehand and decide on what you’re getting in advance. You could even pick out two dishes together, and you could share a few bites, if you’re okay with that. Her behavior seems to be at least a little compulsive, which is hard to get rid of but can be overcome with some practice.
I can’t afford to eat at places that use words like la carte and entree so not entirely what help I could be here. But I don’t really see a problem in doing other things instead. I know I wish our friends would. Even cheaper places still feel pretty expensive and the food is something I could make for no effort at home by just chucking a packet into the oven.
